Jokes, tall tales and greenhouse nonsense — with a genuine, sourced tomato fact bolted onto every one. Made up for fun, never presented as news, and always kept apart from our news desks.
Satire
Satire from The Tomato Post. Not a factual news report. No person, federation, university, grower, restaurant or slug named here should be understood as real, and no quotation is genuine. For verifiable material see The Wire, and for sourced horticultural claims see our evidence notes.
SatireThe Back Page · Not news
World Cup Heroes Paid in Tomatoes
An entirely fictional federation announces an entirely fictional bonus structure, payable in graded crates.
Footballers lifting this summer's imaginary trophy will, in this imaginary ruling, be compensated exclusively in heirloom tomatoes — a decision our invented federation president describes as "long overdue, and frankly quite delicious."
Bonus structures remain under negotiation in our heads. A hat-trick is understood to be worth one full punnet of Sungold, delivered warm from the vine within twelve hours of the final whistle.
Reaction, which we have made up, has been mixed. Several defenders expressed concern about mortgage lenders' willingness to accept nightshades in escrow. None of this happened.
Satire from The Tomato Post. Not a factual news report.
SatireThe Back Page
Slug Interviewed Under Caution
A Sussex greenhouse, forty-three nights of surveillance, and a suspect who declined to leave a written statement.
The suspect, described as "approximately eleven centimetres and unrepentant", was located beneath a seed tray at 02:40 and left the scene at a pace investigators called "technically an escape".
A trail of evidence led directly to the hostas, which is where these things always end. No slugs were charged, because slugs cannot be charged.
Satire from The Tomato Post. Not a factual news report.
SatireThe Back Page
Local Man Plants Six Tomatoes, Harvests 4,000
Arithmetic quietly stops applying in a Wolverhampton greenhouse. Neighbours describe the situation as generous, but relentless.
Six plants went in. What emerged has been distributed to colleagues, the postman, a passing cyclist and two people who were simply standing near the driveway.
"I only wanted enough for sandwiches," said the man, who does not exist, gesturing at a wheelbarrow.
Satire from The Tomato Post. Not a factual news report.
SatireThe Back Page
The Village Where Tomatoes Are Counted, Not Weighed
A fable, in the tradition of fables: an invented hill co-operative that numbers every fruit by hand, in ink.
The auditors arrived with a spreadsheet and left with a lesson. The counted harvest was, to the tomato, exactly the size promised in ledgers we also invented.
"We were not surprised," said a matriarch who is a character, not a source. "The accountants were surprised. That is a different matter."
Satire from The Tomato Post. Not a factual news report.
SatireThe Back Page
Britain's Best Tomato Sandwich, Finally Ranked
Twelve counties. Sixty-one sandwiches. One winner, and a great deal of mayonnaise. All of it fictional.
Judging took place in a shed, in a heatwave, using criteria that changed twice. The overall champion was a bloomer, buttered to the edge, eaten standing up.
No real establishment was assessed and no real ranking exists. If you want a genuine tasting record, our Taste Lab logs reader scores instead.
Satire from The Tomato Post. Not a factual news report.